So Many Voices – It’s Like Bees are in My Head

I recently read the most beautiful essay a client shared with me describing her journey into the darkness of an eating disorder. She captured the slow creep and spread of how it initially begins and then the ultimate capture the grip takes once it is in control. The last line of the essay really struck me:

My eating disorder crept in silently, and I only realized it was there when I realized its voice was louder than my own.

When “its voice” was louder than my “my own”. We all know this sense, the weirdness of having a separate part of us that seems to be driving the show, making the decisions, directing us. Part of, or maybe all of, recovery work is about learning the purpose of this fragmented voice so we can start the painstaking, torturous, scary, dark and difficult but ultimately glorious process of integrating the voice back into our “own voice”.

Thinking of this brought up several thoughts for me. What is our “own voice”? What does that mean? How do we find it, connect to it, understand it? How do you? Do you? There are many ways to think about this, many terms that are used. Often in recovery work we use the term “wise mind”. Other options are the “intuitive self”, “integrated self” and many many others. It is the self that holds ALL of you, not just parts. Both the adult and the child merged together and acting as a whole. The feminine and the masculine energy flowing and dancing together in and out of different rhythms.

If you are still having a lot of trouble with the “voices” telling you to do things to harm yourself by not eating, or eating less, or not eating certain foods, or not eating at certain times, or remaining hungry, or moving when you are tired, or taking something that will harm you….you need to keep recognizing and “catching” that these thoughts, although a PART of you, are not ALL of you.

The voice that tells you to do these things is what is often termed the “eating disorder voice”. It is a way in recovery to try and separate the voice from you so that you can take some control back over it, from it. Taking the step to fight it back, tell it to go away, tell it to “f#4ck off” is sometimes really helpful. It gets you into your power, gives you a voice to tell it that you are not going to listen, that you are more powerful that it is, that you can act in a way that supports your power and belief in yourself and the life you want to lead. RIGHT ON! Fight you brave warrior fight!

Another option is that you can recognize that the “eating disorder voice” is an internal voice that is designed to verbalize your fear. That the “eating disorder voice” is really just a part of you, coming from you, originating deep in you, and designed to try to keep you safe and protected. Maybe from a place that is worried that you will be alone, isolated, laughed at, embarrassed, not loved, not worthy enough? That young and very black and white voice has such a strong purpose in your life. It has the role of trying to keep you safe. That is all the eating disorder is trying to do….it has good intentions, it is just VERY misdirected in the ways to get those needs met. It has good intentions, but it is speaking the wrong language, the wrong words, to communicate what it actually needs.

For example, a thought such as “I am still hungry but I couldn’t possibly eat more food” really means “my body is strong and speaking to me but it scares me and to be ok I need to be small and quiet”. A thought of “I look so terrible and huge in these jeans and I can’t go in public in them” really might mean “I feel like I am so full of emotional states and I don’t know how to manage them all, my body feels bigger when I feel more and I am afraid that if people see my body they will somehow see that I feel too much”.

When we can begin to “catch” the thoughts and recognize that what the words say is not actually what the words mean, it is a huge step in challenging this disorder and making real progress in our journey to wholeness and integration. If we can “catch” the thoughts and recognize that they are just coming from a place of fear – generally about being alone and not loved or not good enough – then perhaps we don’t have to listen to, believe, and act on the actual thought and the words themselves.

Perhaps, if we recognize that the thoughts are trying to keep us safe (generally by trying to make us small and quiet) then we can listen to and HONOR the base of the fear. “Hello thought. I hear you. I hear you telling me I need to not eat this food. I understand that you are scared. I understand that you think if I eat this food then I will get fat and then people won’t find me attractive. I am sorry that you are scared of that. I am grateful that you want me to be safe. I hear you”.

It is a huge step in the journey of bringing mind and body together. Mind and body need to be together to have peace. It is where a more positive body image originates. I encourage you to notice how you are responding to these thoughts and words. Notice the thoughts and feelings you have, write them down, journal about them. Do these thoughts make sense to you? They may or may not, you may or may not be ready for them. And either way, that is ok. Wherever you are that is ok.

Back to the beginning, the idea that there are different voices in our head that we label “its voice” and “my own voice”. I invite you to give yourself a minute, to hold space for the fact that you might just be a normal scared human that wants to be safe and loved and not left alone. It is very possible that that is all the eating disorder wants as well. What if you both want the same thing? What if you are just speaking two different languages? What if you could start to learn the language of the eating disorder and make the proper translation? Maybe just maybe you could change your whole relationship to “it” and your whole relationship with yourself.

Speak Your Mind

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sellmanRD@gmail.com

175 South Pantops Drive, Suite 301
Charlottesville, VA 22911

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